Going Out In Style

Funerals are the joy of my life now, but it wasn't always so.

Like most people I used to dread funerals and as I aged I found that I was bidding farewell to so many people that I knew and not in a good way.    I used to go to funerals reluctantly because they were always such miserable affairs, the deceased was given scant attention as a legion of vicars and priests have rapidly shifted their attention to their God leaving the deceased largely ignored .  Then I went to a non-religious one for the father of a friend and I was so impressed that I decided to become a celebrant so that I could give more people a positive experience when saying goodbye to their loved ones.    Now I consider this work to be his legacy to me, and often unexpected gifts come into my life in that families become friends and I count many such relatives as dear friends.

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the death of a very dear friend and I have been thinking about her a great deal.    She had the sweetest nature and was a truly kind and good woman and I miss her, we all do.  I knew her for what seemed like forever, at least forty years, at one point we worked beside each other as colleagues and when her cancer appeared I became her chemo buddy so we shared a lot of times, good and bad, and we cried with both sadness and joy.   She had a son and he misses him mom badly but he is learning to manage life without her and I see him when he needs me.

Sometimes funerals are truly sad, a baby or a child is never easy handle but I do my best but I seldom manage to remain completely dry eyed.   There are serious funerals but nowadays people are seeing the merit of more light hearted celebrations.   I have had motorcycle sidecar funerals several times and bikers are always good fun.   I've had coffins arrive on the back of flatbed lorries and in a wonderful little VW camper hearse and I love every ridiculous minute of how they are brought to me sometimes. 

The floral coffin above was used for a funeral this past week.   The lady loved all animals, especially cats, she also loved her garden and died at the ripe old age of 82 after her parent had been told that she would be gone within two hours of her birth.    She survived and lived a full and very happy life despite a long history of medical complaints that necessitated several hospital stays.  But she was of a different generation, they had experienced a war, they knew death and were easier in its company and they were the gritty buggers.

Funerals can be what you want them to be, but for me celebrations will always be best, then people leave the chapel with lighter steps and the healing begins.    I don't have many real boundaries in terms of colourful stories because I want everyone in attendance to know who I am talking about so I am not prissy about using salty language and say some very rude words because it has to be about the deceased not me, although only when it is appropriate, but in truth the naughtier they are the better I like it.

I want people to laugh as they say goodbye, I want them to remember that the old person my charges were at the time of death is not all they were.   They were young, they did crush and snogged at bus stops like all youngsters do.   They played pranks, went to dances and generally got up to no good in many cases and that is what I want to focus on, the human being not some sanitised version of them that bares little or no resemblance to the person I am helping.

When I began this work I decided that I would not make any judgments, that isn't what I'm there for, so I have worked with paedophiles, murderers and some people that it has been very difficult to talk positively about, but everybody is the sum of many parts and their mommies or someone else loved them so who am I to rush to judgement?  

Doing this work is as huge a responsibility but it continues to be my joy fifteen years after I began caring for other people's loved ones.

Naturally it is harder to work with someone that I know and have been fond of.   My friend's funeral last year was probably one of the hardest I have ever done because she was my friend and I loved her dearly.   It is also the case that some people are forgotten while others never can be and she was one that I will never forget.   I shall think of her tomorrow and may catch up with her boy.....she is in our hearts and there she is safe.